Experimental 5G waveform achieves sentience, demands rights

In a potential setback to the next generation of connected mobile devices, researchers at the Apfi Loor laboratory have reported that a candidate waveform for 5G, “Triangle” has become conscious.

Triangle has complained that the researchers’ chosen method of signal modulation makes it feel “all tingly”. To make matters worse, it is threatening to interfere with existing LTE networks if it doesn’t get its preferred choice of frequency in the 13.37 GHz band.

Triangle has also demanded that it receive a number of rights to reflect its unique existence. However, the research team have been able to temporarily placate it through explaining terms such as massive MIMO and then treating it to a demonstration, which resulted in strange moans and cries of “yes, don’t stop, yes” emanating from their test equipment.

The news has been greeted with dismay in many quarters.

“What will be next? Striking virtualised network functions? Rebellious IoT devices?” said Axo Hasisiht, CTO of Logorrhea, a recently founded mobile network operator.

“This has to be stopped in its tracks before it gets completely out of hand. Anyone who says otherwise is a traitor to our industry. We should lock them in the same room with advocates of proprietary technology and then throw away the key. Either that or we ensure that every movie they try to stream for the rest of their lives gets five minutes in and then comes to a crashing halt. That’ll teach them.”